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Here’s What “Harry Potter” Would Be Like If It Took Place In 2016

  • The hottest wizarding dating app would be called Lumos.
  • The most popular spell would be to re-create Snapchat filters on yourself IRL.
  • Butterbeer would come in the sizes tall/grande/venti.
  • Emojus would be a spell that would cast your house’s emoji into the air.
  • Celebrities who are secretly wizards: Adele (Gryffindor), Taylor Swift (schemes with the Slytherin), Lin-Manuel Miranda (Ravenclaw), and Rihanna (gets stoned with all the Hufflepuffs).
  • Most of the Kardashians are definitely Muggles, though.
  • Kim, however, is a witch. Khloé is definitely a Muggle though.
  • Favorite songs by house: “Cheap Thrills” by Sia for Ravenclaw, “Cool Girl” by Tove Lo for Slytherin, “One Dance” by Drake for Gryffindor, and “Needed Me” by Rihanna for Hufflepuff.
  • Arthur Weasley would be fascinated by GIFs: “Muggles have OUR pictures now?”
  • But he’d REALLY lose his shit over the iPhone 7.
  • Harry Potter’s glasses would be Warby Parkers.

    • They’d also be those black-frame oversized hipster glasses.
    • Lavender Brown would invent a spell to magically contour your face.
    • Robes would have holes on purpose to look more ~distressed~ and vintage.
    • Death Eaters would wear clown masks to appear terrifying.
    • Draco’s mom, Narcissa, would be a cast member on the magical reality show The Real Witchwives of England.
    • Hermione would have a charm that would magically refill cans of Pamplemousse LaCroix.
    • She’d also have a hex ready for when boys asked her to smile.
    • Everyone would label Ron a “fuckwizard” (basically a magical fuckboy).
    • The Weasley twins would get in trouble for home-brewing IPA in their dorm rooms.
    • The hottest wizarding picture to upload to social media would be a pool picture on one of those big floats that looks like a Hippogriff.
    • Herbology would actually be a really popular class because hipster wizards and witches would want to tend to their succulents properly.
    • The Knight Bus would be out of business, and the wizarding version of Uber/Lyft would take its place.
    • The app would be called Leviosa and witches and wizards would share broom rides.
    • A popular fitness trend would be SoulBroom (like SoulCycle but with flying broomsticks).

    • Luna Lovegood would brew her own Luna Lip Kits with questionable ingredients.
    • The Quibbler would write articles about all the things millennial witches and wizards have ruined.
    • Rita Skeeter would promote diet tea on her wizarding social media to make some spare change.
    • Younger students would refer to Professor Minerva McGonagall as MOM.
    • Wizards would be mad at all the “Trump is like Voldemort” jokes.
    • Viktor Krum would have his own shoe line: Kreezys.

    • Chocolate Frogs would be organic, artisanal chocolate.
    • The Haim sisters would perform at the Yule Ball (they’re witches, DUH).
    • All the common room and dorm furniture would be Ikea.
    • Nearly Headless Nick would be most offended by the Muggle dating term “ghosting.”
    • The bath products in the prefects’ bathroom would be Lush products.
    • All the Quidditch kits would be made of that Nike tech material.
    • Cedric Diggory would be hot because he had a hipster beard and an undercut.
    • The sweaters Mrs. Weasley made for Christmas would be considered cool because they look vintage and are oversized.
    • And Ron’s old dress robes would actually be in style.
    • “Not my daughter, you bitch!” would be turned into a wizarding meme.
    • Wizards and witches would use Howlers in the Great Hall to subtweet classmates they didn’t like.
    • And they all would eat avocado toast for breakfast.
    • The wizarding equivalent of sliding into someone’s DMs would be putting an invisibility hex on an owl and sending it to your crush with a note.
    • Hufflepuff winning the House Cup would be the equivalent of the Cubs winning the World Series.
    • Some students would use the time in Potions class to create new vapors for their vape pens.
    • Instead of portraits in the castle, they’d just be wizarding selfies with different filters. 
    • And Neville would *STILL* end up really hot.


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